A mullet-only mentality.
SWITZERLAND — Julius and Claudia Geroldus were hoping for a wonderful holiday season, despite national economic hardships. The proud owners of a Swiss cheese factory, Lactose de Longavilla, actually thrived during the months of November and December by setting record profits. The Geroldus’ were also proud parents of Odo (age 10), Jorath (age 7), and Petrus (age 4). The children were given mullet haircuts in honor of René Baumann, known as DJ Bobo amongst the Swiss.
Julius said, “Well, ya know, it was holiday time in Switzerland and we had some extra spending money due to the success of Lactose de Longavilla, ya know? Odo watched ‘A Christmas Story’ for 48 hours non-stop, so, ya know, he really liked the Red Ryder BB Gun. So I thought to myself, my son is better than Ralphie, Odo deserves something better, more powerful than a BB gun, ya know?”
After deciding to get young Odo a Swiss K31 rifle, Julius and Claudia thought of the perfect gift for Jorath.
“After imitating the Karate Kid for most of his life, we realized Jorath’s destiny was to become a ninja master, ya know,” said Claudia. Julius added, “That little bastard roundhoused me once and drop-kicked the other children on several occasions.” A ninja starter kit was purchased for Jorath, which included the following: a set of ashiko’s, some nunchakus, a shobo, a bo, multiple ninja stars, and a sword.
“Well since we got the other children such extravagant gifts, ya know,” asserted Julius, “we had to get something perfect for little Petrus.”
“He’s right;” proclaimed Claudia, “the other children were ambitious, yet slightly retarded. Julius and I knew we couldn’t run Lactose de Longavilla for eternity, we eventually had to pass on the family business… to well… family, ya know? Since Petrus excelled in his pre-school studies; we decided to give him 50% ownership in the company as a gift.”
What the Geraldus’ didn’t realize was that Odo and Jorath were planning a take-over of the family business. Christmas morning, tragedy struck. Odo was excited with his Swiss K31 rifle. Jorath approved his deluxe ninja starter kit. Petrus opened his gift, and didn’t realize what the framed certificate was, due to his inability to read.
“I said, ’son you are now part of Lactose de Longavilla, you own 50% of the family business.’ Jorath and Odo were fuckin’ livid, don’tcha know?” said Julius. He continued, “Well after that — all holy hell broke loose, Odo damn near shot the shit out of Petrus, but his aim was slightly off.”
“Jorath, however, was more accurate with his attack,” said Claudia. “He struck down Petrus with the bo, ya know? Then Jorath went straight for the jugular with the sword.” The wounds inflicted upon Petrus were fatal.
“Those assholes kept going at it. Now that Petrus was out of the picture, Jorath and Odo were compelled to battle over Petrus’ previous ownership in the cheese company,” stated Julius. “Claudia and I loaded the Swiss K31 to be authentic… big mistake — Odo got out the rifle, ya know? Jorath then darted for the ninja stars.”
“We heard a shot,” said Claudia, “we knew it wasn’t good.”
When the smoke cleared, no one arose from the mayhem. As it turns out Jorath’s ninja skills were unprecedented for his age, he managed to murder Odo with one single ninja star to the skull. Odo was killed instantly after he fired the shot from the Swiss K31. Odo was a true marksman, Jorath was no more.
Claudia and Julius’ trio of mullet bearing sons would not see another day.
“It was a true tragedy and our children will be missed,” said Julius with a tear in his eye.
Claudia added, “Fuck it! Ya know, in all honesty, five mullets were way too much for our family to handle.”
The Geroldus’ proclaimed to continue the operation of Lactose de Longavilla. For all lactose related inquiries, please contact Claudia or Julius at mulletmasters@LactosedeLongavilla.com
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Jan.16,2009
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